Waiting to Exhale

I met with a friend recently who said that the movie title Waiting to Exhale described her life perfectly.

The phrase really resonated with me and I’ve spent quite a bit of time thinking about it since we chatted. Waiting to exhale – that feeling of being almost, but not quite, at a point where you can find release from the constant tension and pressure. Where you have taken on board all that you can, needing to let go of something before you overflow (or explode).

The past few weeks have been particularly hectic with a seemingly continuous schedule of family activities. I feel an increasingly desperate need to simply stop and take a deep breath, but even when I do get a chance to sit down and ‘relax’, there is a constant whirlwind of stresses and commitments and responsibilities swirling about in my mind. My body rests, but the sense of tension and pressure remains.

Some days are better than others, but most days I feel like I’ve reached the very limits of my ability to take on any more responsibilities or meet any more expectations.

I’m starting to come apart at the seams as I keep taking breaths in without being able to let anything go. I’m feeling resentful that my feelings and dreams and abilities are falling by the wayside as I concentrate on focusing my dwindling emotional resources on what is most important to get us all through the day.

I’m resentful that I don’t have the emotional energy to be creative, that creative thoughts and ideas spark to life only to become wispy and directionless as soon as I try to concentrate on them.

I’m annoyed with myself for getting to this point. If only I’d made some wiser decisions years ago. If only I’d recognised limitations in myself and those I thought would be there to support and encourage me earlier. If only I could think of a way to deal with the fact that I am shouldering so many responsibilities alone. If only I could find a way to exhale.

Life is complicated. We none of us live the lives that others believe that we do. There are no perfect relationships or perfect families. No fairytale endings and no do-overs.

I’m not sure what the solution to all this is. I know that I need to put a lot more effort into making sure that I connect with people that I can relax and really be myself with. I really, really need to find a way to make writing a priority because I’m starting to think that writing will be my pressure release valve.

It’s time to find a way to take a deep breath and exhale.